The Golden Dud
Why the latest marriage failure out of America's guiltiest pleasure is the most disappointing.
We’re in the midst of a major loneliness epidemic. The ability to connect at the click of a button has led us to feel that we’re never alone even when we are. COVID aside, isolating away from your friends and family is no substitute for the real thing. As someone who has been down this road for a large part of the last four years, I promise there’s nothing like seeing your boys and gals in person again. Loneliness is more severe for our more senior friends. Growing up in the nineties, kids’ cartoons were rife with jokes around grandparents telling the same stories over and over again while their kids fell asleep allowing the Rugrats to run amok. The sad kernel of truth in this is that, of course, older folks need social activities, too. This is why I had so much hope for the Golden Bachelor, and why I was so disappointed to learn that much like its grimier twin sibling the regular ass bachelor, nothing gold can stay.
I don’t watch The Bachelor. I’m not necessarily opposed. After all, I watch Survivor. These shows are basically the same. On a fateful Thursday night in September 2023, I wander upstairs to catch my parents watching their phones with the bachelor on in the background. Only this time, the bachelor is…older? I sit for a few minutes and am completely charmed by the Golden Bachelor. To me, this has removed all of the childish antics from the show. The desire to spin your shithousery into a career as an influencer or parlay your drama into a show of your own is absent entirely. All of the women are in this for a second chance at true love, as is the golden bachelor himself, Gery Turner.
Off the rip, Gery was genuine. He was gentle. During the best moments of the season, he was overtly torn up by the decisions he had to make. Jesse Palmer seemed happier than usual about the prospect of the show’s star finding love. Whether it was great acting or downright honest hope, the host of the shindig could tell they had found a sort of magic they hadn’t conjured in many, many years. It shown through the television. I don’t think I’m alone in rooting for every reality TV show to devolve into a Jerry Springer style emotional cage match. That’s the secret sauce making reality TV watchable at all. Much like Palmer, even I was a believer. My attachment was cemented during the episode where the contestants bring the bachelor back home to meet their families.
Family meet week presented the starkest contrast between the Golden Bachelor and the ordinary seasons of the series. In traditional seasons of the bachelor/bachelorette, these meetings are tense. Trying to prove to someone’s parents that, even though you just met them a month ago on a reality television show, you are prepared to be their life partner is…a ludicrous task. It makes for good television precisely because it is designed to make you hide your eyes behind your hands, peeking through your fingers hoping for the best (or worst). Not the case in the Golden Bachelor, where the mood is light, thrilled, and excited. Meeting the children and grandchildren of their would-be beau, contestants are met with eagerness and relief. Grandpa is going to be happy! My dad is going to love again! To me, it was a joyously tearful feather in the well-crafted cap of the show.
I don’t mean to sound naive, but the producers really got my ass. I feel I’ve been punched in the gut. They have me feeling like Stephen A. Smith after the Knicks drafter Kistaps Porzingis.
All this to say…I won’t be coming back for another season of the Golden Bachelorette, which is slated to begin in the near future. It turns out that no matter how old you get, no one is immune to the allure of a quick fling, a fully paid wedding and trip to Italy, and a little bit of fame. After all, who could blame them?